Babies (not?) on the brain?
***Before I delve into my latest problem, please note that the feelings and opinions here within are my own. They aren’t putting anyone else’s feelings, thoughts or actions down. I am merely trying to convey where I am at with this topic***
I’ve been thinking a lot about kids lately. They surround me whether it be my friends’ kiddos, Facebook photos or just random discussion. I’m on the brink of turning 30 years old and B and I have been together for somewhere in the neighborhood of 4.5 years, so naturally, the question of “are you having children?” comes up more and more frequently. And more and more frequently I get to feeling awkward, sad and a little bit judged.
“Do you want children?” Yes and no – depends on when you ask me. I mean, I haven’t ruled out the possibility 100%. Theoretically I do want one – I feel like I’d be missing out on some huge part of life by not creating one. But what stops me is: what type of life would I be giving this hypothetical child? I’m not sure I ever get passed that. So, “when are you having kids” becomes complicated for me and the short answer that always springs to mind is probably never.
If you want a rational, quick answer, this ramble is probably not for you. Hell, I can’t make heads or tails of it most days myself. As I said, I’m approaching 30 years old, which I know isn’t old…but here comes that pesky thing I carry with me all the time: diabetes. Diabetes scares the crap out me. I know some people are willing to take this risk, are positive and that millions of diabetics give birth to healthy babies all the time. With all the technology, good control and support a diabetic can get during this time – it’s a very, very doable thing.
But I’m always stopped short. Could I live with the knowledge that my child could turn out like me? Would that be the worst thing? What if something goes wrong? What if I do something to mess everything up? Would I feel guilty? What about complications? What about MY complications? Am I in a position where children are even a smart idea? Can I even have children?
I have enough complications from diabetes currently to keep my life and mind occupied right now. How will this affect me further during pregnancy? My eyes are already f-ed up: how much further would they and could they go? Then everything goes a step further: I’m terrified that for one reason or another I wouldn’t be around for them later.
All these thoughts and worries consume me and make me anxious. I feel that pull to have kids of my own, but maybe I just can’t. I’m too selfish with my time and my own shenanigans to complicate anything further by having a little human being being my number one. I wasn’t my own number one for a very long time and I still have a long haul to go.
Every time I’m questioned, or hear that B was questioned, is like a dart thrown at my heart. I feel like most people cannot understand why I might not have a mini-me and everyone’s quick judgment and reaction to the “oh, but you gotta have kids!” is just that: judgment. Whether I choose to take giant leap of faith and work towards becoming pregnant, or I patiently wait for my brother to have kids so I can be “cool Auntie Ashley”, it really is no one’s business but B’s business and mine. It’s my body and my choice and at the end of the day, I just want the best life possible for everyone. Hey – at least I’ll never need a babysitter!
I promise maybe to come up with a positive post next time 🙂