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Unfocused_Dependence

I’m trying my hardest to continue focusing on all of the good that is happening with my diabetes.  My control is infinitely, by leaps and bounds, at the extreme opposite end of where my control used to be.  I’m recovering from 3 surgeries and doing well.  I’m adjusting to my new way of seeing.  In addition to two silicone oil bubbles, I have two contacts to help me see…my right eye can see well enough to get around and function almost at the normal mark and my left is still playing catch up (understandably so). 

 

I am now considered “farsighted” which I don’t completely understand how.  I can’t see far or near…but alas, I’m not an ophthalmologist or optometrist.  I am having a heck of a time seeing up close…argh!!Image

 

 My second to last lingering complaint for where I am at this point is I am suffering from the wackiest double vision.  Oh. My. God.  It’s the most inconvenient thing EVER!  There is, at most times, two of everything.  My eyes seem to point in different directions….which leads me into my biggest complaint.

 

Dependence.  I currently have to rely on family and friends a lot.  I can’t drive.  I have a hard time navigating stores.  Reading some things has become difficult.  I just hate depending on people.  I hate the waiting.  I hate having to ask someone to go out of their way.  It’s just frustrating.  I know they (most) are happy to help me out right now…but it makes me angry.  I’m on the cusp of being able to do more on my own right now…but only the cusp.  It’s like a kid that just wants the training wheels off of their bike already yet no one has a screwdriver.

 

I try not to dwell on that kind of crap – no reason to drag myself down and stress about it.  It’ll all be OK.  I have a couple upcoming appointments and my ophthalmologist knows what’s going on (I seem to see her over my lunch break around the hospital a lot)…writing it all out has helped relieve some stress of it all – it is sounding stupid, small and petty to me now.  I should just be thanking my lovely stars for where I am. 

 

I can see, however unfocused, and that is all that matters.

Emotional Ringer…Two Rounds Down…

   Round 1 went to diabetes the past two weeks.  I’ve been having some trouble with my left eye (the eye sans vitrectomies, oil bubble, blurry vision, and eye patch).  There is some active bleeding despite my thoroughly singed retina and some rather annoying floaters.  I’ve been to the eye doctor twice and go back in two weeks.  My doctor decided to closely watch my retina and told me to stay home and relax – OK!!!!

    I’m not entirely sure if I’m done processing the fact that my right eye was in such turmoil.  Three rounds of laser surgery and two major surgeries are a lot under even semi-not-normal circumstances…but damn.  My left one now, too?  Give me a freakin’ break already

    I’m working so hard to overcome some maddeningly self-induced complications that most of the time I forget to breathe.  Everyone keeps telling me that I need to relax and not get so completely stressed out that I exacerbate my symptoms.  By staying home the past two weeks, I’ve really helped my left eye stay even keel – it’s not “good,” but it didn’t get worse. 

    So that means that I am in desperate need of some awesome stress management – easier said than done for me.  I’m like my father personality wise.  We get stressed out easy and don’t let it out and well, explode in some way, shape, or form.  I’m going to try to get back to yoga – it’s been tough because for a long time, I wasn’t allowed to do much in the way of exercise because of my healing eye.  Meditation is always another possibility…I can’t wait for this crazy cold winter to be over: bike riding and long walk time!

   I got a text the other day which made me laugh.  It’s a reminder that stuff happens and that you need to assess and keep trudging.  All-in-all, I think Round 2 went to me.

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