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Like It Doesn’t Exist

Rewind about 25 years. May 20, 1990. What if that day was just like any other? What if I wasn’t peeing like a racehorse every very-so-often? What if I wasn’t staring aimlessly at the T.V. whilst sitting about five inches away from it? What if I wasn’t exhibiting signs of type 1 diabetes?


What if I never became a type 1 diabetic?


This idea is kind of useless. I do have it. But I’m not so sure my life would be much different. Well, my childhood at least. Diabetes was a part, not a way, of life for me. I was never limited in my activities, etc. I played sports. I hung out with friends. I went to sleepovers and birthday parties. I got caught up in typical childish drama. No one dwelled on the fact that I was a diabetic. My mom did a good job in seamlessly folding diabetes into daily life. Not that it wasn’t beyond my notice, I just was a kid.


My high school and college years though…if I didn’t have diabetes, I would have been gold. Wait. I “didin’t have diabetes” for years; I lived like I didn’t have diabetes. Whoops. Honestly, if I didn’t have diabetes, maybe I wouldn’t have been affected by depression as severely as I was. It was debilitating to a certain degree. My life spiraled out of control…but I would like to think if I didn’t have diabetes, I would have gone to class and made more of my time and potentially been in a very different situation now. Maybe I’d be in a job that I loved, making a gazillion dollars a year. Maybe I would have invented something. Cured something. Made a difference. Maybe I would have been a doctor…writer…teacher…circus performer…absolute bum.


Who knows? Fundamentally I would have been the same. I would come from the same family. I would still look exactly like my mom and act exactly (creepily) the same as my father. So, maybe I would be the same…maybe I’d be worse. Diabetes sucks plain and simple, but there are things in the world that are worse.


As I sit here losing my trains of thought and keep staring at the horses running around in the field behind my house, it hits me that this all doesn’t matter and is complete bullshit to even ponder. I do have diabetes and it is now so ingrained in me that I can’t even imagine being without it…it’s kind of a security blanket because it helps explain some of my wackiness. As I said before…it’s a part of my life. Not my way of life.