Do you ever feel like a walking, living, breathing diabetes? That’s how I’ve felt lately. What do I mean by a walking diabetes? You know: you’ve become that person with the auto immune disease. All you talk about is diabetes. All you think about is diabetes. Even the side stories, the tangents are about diabetes. You catch yourself dreaming about low blood sugar – and you wake up in a pool of sweat. When others are talking, you find yourself thinking, “yeah, try that with diabetes.” That’s been me to a T.
Oh, and it gets better. You just know in the back of your mind that some people have to be rolling their eyes at you – if they’re still listening. I catch myself, talking about diabetes, and physically trying to stop myself because I know that people are sick of it – hell, I’m sick of it. I have diabetes – other people know. I had eye surgery and am having a hard time lately – yeah, other people know.
Is my life that boring that diabetes is what I’m becoming? Seems that way right now. I’m just having a rough time with diabetes. I feel like I’m the only one around for miles and no one can commiserate. The worst is how short I am with people at the moment. They’re trying to help and offer advice. My mom, who basically has lived with type 1 diabetes for 24 years through me, is trying to help. Everything comes out/sounds to me as preachy advice or some condescending lecture. (I want to say right up front that I logically understand that this isn’t what this is and that my loved ones are just trying to help me)
I want people to talk to, but I can’t stand to talk to anyone. How is that for a vicious cycle? Maybe I’m falling down the rabbit hole of diabetes depression. Maybe I’m finally settling down post eye trauma drama and I’m crashing. Crashing. I’m taking care of my diabetes – maybe at 95%, not the 115% I need to be. I know I need to do basal rate testing and start taking a look at my eating habits…all that diabetes jazz.
I just…don’t want to be diabetes anymore. I just want to live with it.